Living with the cons

We are all good at choosing what we prefer out of two general options, or what we would rather live out of two extreme outcomes.

Do you want to win 100,000 dollars or do you want to get punched in the face?

In these cases, rationality and preference mechanisms come into play. Of course.

But what happens when the answer isn't so clear-cut? What goes on in our minds when we have to decide on a more long-term basis and out of multiple "right" ways?

Here I want to pause to discuss the definition of a "right" outcome. This world seems obsessed with finding and categorising right and wrong things. Everybody thinks something is just one or the other but we forget other contextual and perspective dimensions. Splashing water in my face would not be right to do at work but if I do it in an appropriate context, such as in a Sicilian beach in August when it's midday, it becomes right. Also, it might be not right for someone to laugh hysterically but might be right (and categorised as "sane" or "normal") if the person is actually laughing to a really funny joke that his friend texted him.

Anyway, this is all to say: I think "right" is many times a changing, flowing status.

(I'll keep it personal here but in politics and international relations, this has caused many issues indeed).

If "right" is a fluid thing that changes, then there might be multiple rights at the same time.

Some "rights" may not even be as clear-cut as winning the lottery.

Here are some examples of situations that are not straight-forward decisions.

Is it right for me and my future career to accept this job?

Should I buy a car now?

Can I take a gap year and go travelling?

And here is a term I want to use: un-right. It might seem like un-right describes "wrong" or any other opposite of right but really, what I am trying to get at here is that we need to take a step back from all this categorisation and describe the situation just as it is in itself. Without giving it heavy connotations that might divert our judgement and thinking. This is because, if there are many rights that can become wrong and vice-versa, isn't it easier to just lighten up the weight of the issue and approach life in a less definitive way?

I think that taking a decision on a bigger scale -whether that entails moving, getting married or buying a house- can be a matter upon which we can rationalise the outcomes but only up to a certain point.

Especially if you're an over-thinker like me. At some point we need to let go of the pros and cons, of what's right and what's wrong. And just decide. If we un-right the situation, on the contrary of what people might think, we might actually do ourselves a favour.

Right is un-right.

This is because most of life's long-term decisions aren't (as aforementioned) outrightly good or bad. Sometimes we also may not have a clear preference or opinion regarding them. Judgement may often make us unhappy. Looking at the world with a win-lose approach does not always work in real life.

For example, if we do decide to buy that car...we will have both good aspects and bad aspects about it. Yes, we might feel that the good might be more than the bad, but who knows how long that will last. Sometimes we get confused and our thoughts might get tangled up. 

If we only use the win-lose framework our thought process might look like this: "I did well buying the car, look at how fast I can go now! Oh, traffic jam. Maybe I should've not bought the car after all...oh what's going on? I would have been at work by now if I had taken the tube. Nevermind, I'm almost there. Oh, no...someone stole my parking spot!" and so on till exhaustion. I'm not saying we all think like that, but some of us certainly do!

What we really need is coping mechanisms for dealing with the cons of a situation that we put ourselves in.

Escapism won't work: it's a mischievous trap. The win-lose framework appeals to us because we think we can compete and win. But there will always be some parts of a decision that are not quite positive.

Also, we might even "win" once, but there will always be other decisions to make and honestly, we cannot possibly win them all. 

If we don't learn how to cope with the cons of a decision, we might end up not making any decisions at all and wishing our life away.

----------------

Sometimes the best option might not exist after all, even after counting all preferences in a well thought-out, rational way. 

Sometimes we just need to account for the fact that neutral, un-right decisions WILL have both positive aspects and negative consequences. 

Those times, we just have to learn how to deal with the negatives.

And that's up to you (sorry no ultimate recipe for life here).

**P.S.**

Another suggestion coming from a comment on this blog post by a friend of mine regards not focusing on coping with the cons altogether and instead on seeking the "magis", as St. Ignatius puts it. Here is a helpful resource passed on to me by her. Feel free to read it if you are interested: 

http://www.sjweb.info/documents/cis/pdfenglish/200511008en.pdf

Random whining

So...
This post is dedicated to all the people who have been wondering why I haven't been posting anything in March. I have jot down a few experiences out of the ones I have had in the past month and done with them what I do best: whine... It's ok I love my life and I know I don't have a rough one either: in fact I'm grateful for everything I have. However, I am writing my whinings here in the hope that my experience might be useful little advices (or things to think about) to some readers.

Reminder: Please remember that no one is forcing you to read all my points so stop reading as soon as it gets to be too much whining for you in one go.

• Group interviews: BEWARE of them. I hope one day it will be a banned practise. You are in a room with other people who are applying for the same job as you. At the same time, you have to BOTH be nice to them and engage with them AND compete. It is, I believe, very inhumane. And generally sad. And at the end of it you have schizophrenic thoughts like "Well, what a nice bunch of people...oh I hope I get the job...oh what a lovely person good luck to her...oh no maybe not?!?"

• Ryanair's terravision bus from London Victoria: where does it leave from? Yes, I've also been travelling a lot this past month and I've had to do it in the middle of the night, as the takeoff time of the plane was around 6AM. Buses from Victoria leave regularly at night, making it possible for the sleepless ones to get to the airport on time. However, the Ryanair buses leave from 2 different bays...and online or on the ticket you print at home there isn't a way to find out from which bay the bus leaves. I suggest you go to the Terravision Cafe' (which is in between the 2 bays) and you ask the person to give you the little leaflet where the buses that leave from bay 2 are highlighted in blue. Or follow the blog and I'll take a pic of my leaflet soon so you can find it here.

• NHS, some help please? Recently I've felt my knee funny and dull pain. To sum up, after having been twice to two different healthcare practices and after following their advice (i.e. "take ibuprofen, put some ice and keep it elevated but you can walk just don't put too much weight on it") none of the nurses or the doctors I have seen has done further analysis on it. My knee  started to swell and properly hurt, nevermind the discomfort. I now know it is a problem with my patella and they didn't discover it at all and never helped me to find a specialist that would. And that is nothing: a friend of mine was in pain, called an ambulance and they asked her 3 times the same kind of information. All they were worried about was where she was living, not how she was feeling. She was left sitting on a chair, somewhere just like that. I mean, come on NHS! I've found a few nice receptionists and nurses but really, the majority of the people that has seen me haven't been helpful. :(

Can you relate to any of the points above?

Do you have something to moan about?

Comment below!

De Amoribus

This blog post is a late bloomer.
I know the dreaded Valentine's day has come and gone...but I really wanted to share my thoughts when I could organise them in my head as this is a broad, lengthy and sentimental topic.



I want to write about love and the different kinds of love.
Needless to say, loads has been said about this topic already.

However, I wanted to talk about love in light of the recent developments in Italy (the political elections), Pope Benedict's decision of retiring, Valentine's day, the British Parliament's recent decision on same-sex marriage and my own recent reflections.

Did you know that "De Amore" was the title of an essay written by Andrea Cappellano published (a long time ago) in three books? I didn't. What is funny though is that apparently in the first and second book he describes extramarital love and in the last book he tries to basically almost deny all the theories. After all, it was the 12th century...
Maybe one day I'll actually read the essay and will let you know more about it.

In any case, love is definitely a hard concept to grasp. St Paul helps us to understand what true love is in the letter to the Corinthians:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸ Love never fails.

How hard is that to achieve...and how contradictory it is to many of the "loves" we encounter in real life! We definitely should strive towards it.

One characteristic of a less pure but maybe more worldly love is definitely that "helplessness" we might feel when, no matter how mean a person is to us...no matter how much they don't respect us and no matter how much they actively choose to appear and disappear from our lives in a random way...we still love them.

Is this the kind of "helplessness" that homosexual feel? Is it the same kind of falling in love?
As a heterosexual, I've been thinking about this many times. I think before even starting to argue about whether we think they should be able to marry or not...we should take a step back and agree on something: they have the civic right to love one another. Whether we are religious or not...I think we should see them first of all as human beings, and as such, they have the right to love. Anyone they want.
Then the many discrepant theories arise...should their unions be called "marriages" or not?

Why are there homosexuals in the world?
I've heard someone saying that something is just and moral if everybody in the world can do it and people wouldn't be hurt by it. Well, homosexuals definitely do not harm everyone...but if everyone would be homosexual the world would struggle to procreate. It is important to point out that this theory takes for granted the fact that being homosexual is a choice...when many times people feel it's not.
However, I've also heard someone else say: "I think homosexuals were sent by God to help the overpopulation problem and the orphaned children in need of adoption".
I think they are both valid arguments...I do prefer the latter though... :) I thought it was a very sweet thought, given that I believe in the fact that we are all in this world exactly how we are for different purposes.
Maybe a new Pope would re-consider this modern matter on love?

In any case, there's love that makes one eccentric, love that makes one alternative, love that destroys, love that makes you go crazy, love that saves. It's so astonishing how one single sentiment (though not a simple feeling) can spark so many hearts in so many different but equal ways. Because at the end of the day, we can all relate to the consequent feelings love brings.

And in the end, when we feel helpless, I think all we should do is recognise its power. Its majestic, stubborn qualities. And we should surrender to it.
'Cause...what else is there to do? Thankfully, St. Paul's true love only has positive consequences.
So if your heart wants to love that person no matter what, we have to let it (in the right way).
What's the worst that can happen? Only that that person is loved.

I think True Love is the positive force that builds...it never destroys.
In a broader sense...the more we love, the more we want to love others.
And even when we think the love we build towards someone in specific is futile or invisible: it still matters. Haven't figured out how exactly...but I'm sure of it.

Re-Creativity and Beyond

Do you follow the Big Bang Theory?
If so, have you seen the episode (season 6) when Sheldon tries to re-read his diaries and journals of when he was young to see whether he can find something that is worth a nobel prize?

For the people that do not watch big Bang Theory...I'm talking about a creative mind looking into his past to get answers for his future. I like the idea. I wish I also had written something when I was a child...I remember having all these thoughts...I'm sure most of them were illogical and in a way boring to adults...but who knows if one of them would be a creative approach to a way of living.
Children, with their ingenuity, should really be listened to...and I wouldn't be the first one to say that schools might kill some of our creativity by encouraging us to think only in certain specific ways.

I feel that today's generations are invited to use new technologies to re-arrange, re-propose, re-assemble things...to make new products. But doesn't that lead to re-creation rather than creation?
We can take a funny picture and write up our own phrases and we could even share it with friends and make it become a new internet "meme"...but is that CREATION?
I'm sure making new connections between old creations is part of creativity...but creativity is not only that. Has everything really been invented already, are we becoming more close minded as a society...or are we not encouraged to, and therefore scared to, play with the "new"?

When was the last time you felt like you made something for a purpose...without any adaptations?
When was the last time you went ahead and "created" in the core sense of the word?
When was the...oh ok, that's it: too many questions.

Maybe all we gotta do is allow ourselves to make mistakes. Many inventions were made in that way...and new realisations can bring to new outcomes. Just because we have memes doesn't mean Internet is "creative" and just because we can edit pictures easily on our phones...we shouldn't feel like we are awesome powerful creators.

Creators take risks, are unconventional. They find new connections between existing things but they also create some new stuff. Go beyond creating a "thing" that would fit a category by creating a category in itself.  Maybe it's ok once in a while to jot down that seemingly stupid thought you have in your head about making something that doesn't exist but that you wish existed...

I'm just sayin'...we got the capabilities. We might as well see what potential we can reach with them. And maybe one day we will be able to go "to infinity and.... ..." ...oh nevermind, that's not creative.

UK vs. Romania+Bulgaria: REALLY?

Have you heard of the latest international affairs between UK and Romania?

Apparently, in order to discourage Romanians and Bulgarians (yea, they were thrown into the same box) from coming into Great Britain, the UK government was thinking of doing a negative ad campaign in the two countries emphasising, in other words, why the UK sucks. The Guardian's article points out that it would be kinda counterproductive, since the UK has spent loads of money to try and bring its own reputation up for the 2012 Olympics.

Well, quite funnily, readers from "The Guardian" were asked to contribute to the campaign that might be put in place and guess what? Results were (surprisingly?) good. And it's not over yet. Romanians also went ahead and started producing a campaign that basically said "you know what? Definitely don't go to the UK...come here instead". Read and see for yourself: some of the posters are quite hilarious.

Anyway, disregarding the funny side of things for a moment...what is really going on? First of all, should the UK government really spend its time advertising how bad Great Britain is? How could they not predict a backfire of viral proportions in this day and age? Isn't the world is globalised enough that if you tell Romanians and Bulgarians not to come...French, Germans and Spanish people might find out about it and actually do the same? Dear UK, if you don't want that to happen, you might want to consider making your campaign quite specific. You know, maybe try something like: "The sun shines for everyone in ol' England...except for Bulgarians and Romanians that is". Oh wait...that's a tiny bit discriminatory.

Come on....why would you even consider something like this? I understand that a lot of Bulgarians and Romanians are already in the country and if not, might be thinking of coming to the UK...and I understand that immigrants are an issue for many reasons. But, is this how the government really should tackle the problem?

There are already many measures in place so to discourage non-Europeans...and believe me, I know this quite well. Because even if I am European I have had to see my very talented international friends (incredibly smart people with a lot of enthusiasm, positive ideas and courage)...struggle to stay or even leave. Objectively, they would have been a great resource for the country.

But let's not play games here: Bulgaria and Romania are European countries and you cannot possibly change that. The UK already has policies in place that discourage Romanians and Bulgarians to come in or stay: let those speak for themselves. You do not need to think of campaigns to make yourself look bad because the moment you do, you are not only discriminating...but you are bringing yourself down as a country. Literally. On purpose.

This is coming from a European who has been living in the UK for years now...and has amazing English friends and (apart from the weather) is thankful to live here. For now...'cause international policies like these make me doubt the tactfulness and the basic human understanding of the country's leaders. It's not its people, it's not its cities...but dear UK: you need to work on your national hospitality.

A story that never gets old...

While looking into the files of my computer I saw a story I wrote  a while ago (some years have passed). It was about a girl who would leave everything, rebel and move. Reality meets fantasy.
I guess some stories never do get old and some feelings come back.
You feel like you are experiencing something for the first time, but maybe what changes is only the way in which you go through it, not the feeling itself.
In any case, here's some excerpts of the story.

"A time, a specific moment in the life of a person, reveals that reality is not a dream. This moment: frustration and sadness. It is in that instant that the human being understands how few the chances of getting everything dreamt in those night of fine sleep are. Even she experienced this moment, this unbelievable instant. Even she, the childish girl that never wanted to grow up. She…finally understood that it’s hard to make your dreams come true and it’s hard to see the world this way. Now, she remembers everything: the facts, the memories, everything…and she saw, how blind she became. She was living in a dream, not in reality: in a fantastic world where she could always fix what she had done. Aisling was sitting in her bed, not moving, thinking hardly. She couldn’t believe it. She always thought everything could be fixed. This time, there was no one helping her. No one. If she wouldn’t sustain herself, there was no one to help her out. Yes, I’ll leave she thought. There is no other way. I must take my responsibility.

Leaving was not a simple thing. She had to abandon all her hopes, all her dreams for maybe something that wouldn’t give stability, security. But she had to do it.While packing, tears fell from her eyes; soft tears that spoke of truth. She stared at the wall, full of pictures: her dad, her mom, her grandmother…she knew she could possibly never come back. She quickly left a note and forced herself out. She didn’t even look one last time at the house, at her room still full of old remembrances, security but not of happiness.

As she hurried down through the street, she couldn’t even believe she was leaving forever everything. She passed the church, the deli, the shop. As she crossed the street, the flower her friend gave her broke and fell, the stem still in her hands.She looked at it for what it seemed like an eternity to her. Then she picked it up and, arrived at the other end of the street, she threw it in the garbage can and continued her journey. It is now summer again, and two summers have passed by since her leaving. After all this time she understood: one can never, ever...even begin to end to find oneself."

London Underground

The ads, the confusion, the pushes and the auditory or visual isolation...
who would've thought the tube could be such a human place.
Everybody is here for a reason: to go from A to B. 
No one speaks and everyone thinks of where they need to be, where they must go. 
Yes, I have been pushed on the tube before. And I've also pushed. 
I've complained against the escalator's unspoken rule of staying on the right hand side and walking on the left...but I've also used it from time to time, even after having thought that no one could ever possibly be in such a rush to need to walk up a never-ending steep escalator. 
I've done it.
And yet...I've also occasionally caught the glances of other people and, even more rarely, have caught their beautiful smiles. On the tube everyone is equal: whether you want to admit it or not...whether you read the paper or not. And when you find out the person next to you is playing your favourite game on their cell phone you wish you could say something like "I love that game too! What level are you at?" without sounding too much like a crazy stalker.

What would London be without its tube anyway? It would be like a businessman without his briefcase, a mom without a child, a blind man without its guide dog. And yes we'll keep on ignoring each other, we'll keep on wishing that that lady doesn't steal the seat in the carriage  that caught our eye, we'll keep rushing and not helping the woman with the heavy luggage going down the stairs...

But we'll also keep showing up, going from A to B. We go underground. Even if we feel not wanted in that carriage because we stopped the doors and everybody is staring. And we'll also keep stealing empathising glances. Be glad we are surrounded by people when we are going home and we don't feel like it. And all this must mean something. We are part of something. Even if it's a split second. Even if we desperately try not to share anything with the person sitting next to us. We are all part of a journey. It's up to us to make the best of it. Yes...who would have thought the tube could be such a human place.

Happy 150th birthday tube.